


They're not you

by tonkystank



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders has Intrusive Thoughts, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is a Sweetheart, Deceit | Janus Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Pining Deceit | Janus Sanders, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Remus has Abandonment Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, They're In Love Your Honor, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Violent Thoughts, light side envy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:54:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonkystank/pseuds/tonkystank
Summary: Remus is spiraling.Janus is there to help.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 106





	They're not you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! i wrote this on impulse once again, so I'm sorry if its not good  
> i fucking suck at writing romance unless its deeply rooted in angst so im also sorry about that  
> this is i think my first time officially writing janus and oh my god its so difficult why  
> anyways hope you enjoy lmao

Remus was spiraling.

He knew that, but it didn't help the never ending thoughts that swarmed around his head, hungry like piranhas that just got a taste of human flesh for the first time.

_ Ripping off Romans arm and making him watch as he ate it  _

_ Sewing Virgils mouth shut as he begged for mercy with tears in his eyes  _

_ Taking the glass from Logan's glasses and making him swallow it, cutting up his throat like little blades- _

Remus whined, clutching his head with his hands. He didn't know where he was or what was going on, all he knew was that the thoughts wouldn't stop,  _ the thoughts wouldn't stop _ -

He tried to breathe, to remember the breathing exercises he walked Virgil through so long ago-  _ in and out, emo, that's it, 5-7-8-  _ but he couldn't think past the awful awful thoughts.

What was he doing before this? 

Was he in the imagination? No, no that's not right, what the fuck why can't he remember- 

Remus whined again, slamming his head against the wall (?) behind him, just trying to make the pain stop. Maybe he'll go unconscious, maybe he'll die from head trauma and make Patton find the body- sweet, innocent Patton, having to see the dead body of a man that he was secretly afraid of.

What was he doing? 

"-Mus, can you hear me? I need you to breathe." 

Someone is talking to him. Who's talking to him?  _ Go away, doctor sexy isn't in office right now. _

He can't breathe, he can't breathe, there's tar filling up his lungs-

Someone is touching him, putting his hand on a flat surface.

"Feel my breathing, Remus. I need you to breathe with me. Can you do that?"

He shook his head violently,  _ violently like stabbing janus through the heart and watching the life drain from his eyes-  _

"I know you can do it, darling. Please try, okay? In and out, you're alright."

Whoever was talking to him must have a hell of a lot of faith in him. He's gotta try, so he tries his hardest to breathe in and breathe out, following the over exaggerated breathing of the mystery person. After a few minutes, his breathing got back to relatively normal, and the fog that had covered his brain had lifted somewhat. He swallowed, throat feeling like he swallowed broken glass (did he swallow broken glass?)and looked up at his saviour.

And his heart skipped a beat.

_ Oh.  _

Janus was crouched down next to him, his heterochromatic eyes cloaked in worry. His scales seemed to shine in the light, and his ginger hair was peeking out behind his bowler cap that he always insisted on wearing.

Remus cracked a smile, (could it be called a smile? his teeth felt wrong in his mouth), "Hey, double dee. Why you on your knees, huh?" He wiggled an eyebrow, keen to ignore what just happened.

Janus didn't seem to follow that train of thought. "There you are. I thought I lost you there for a bit, meine Geliebte." 

Remus's face warmed- curse his easy ability to blush- and he cleared his throat. "Yeah uh, about that.. what happened? I don't remember shit."

Janus furrowed his brow in concern, "You've been acting weird all day, then I come in to find you on the floor, in the kitchen, having a huge panic attack."

He was acting weird all day? What- 

_ Oh.  _

_ He remembered now. _

Janus had recently got accepted by the light sides. Now Remus was happy for him, don't get him wrong, he knows Janus had been waiting for this for a very long time. 

But Remus had always been a very jealous person.

So when he walked in on Janus getting along with Logan in a game of chess, a sharp but genuine smile spread across his handsome face and genuine amusement in his eyes, Remus had the wild thought that Janus was going to abandon him.

So he started distancing himself. It'll hurt less when Janus eventually decided that Remus wasn't worth it, so why not just sever the ties now?

But Remus hadn't taken into account how much Janus actually helps him, so without Janus around his intrusive thoughts got worse and worse all day. Leaving him the broken mess on the kitchen floor after Remus had gone to get a glass of Special Juice (mayonnaise, ketchup and mustard blended together) and seeing a knife that was drying, setting off his panic attack.

Remus breathed out a forced sigh, "Sorry for acting weird, j-anus. Today is just an off day." 

"I'll say. You know, you're  _ not  _ allowed to talk to me about anything you want. You do know that, right?"

Remus nodded, his long hair getting in his eyes. "I know, but… its stupid. It doesn't matter."

Janus once again frowned at the break in character. Usually, when something was bothering him, Remus was very loud about it. It was a quality of his that he sometimes found annoying, but wouldn't change for the world, for that would be changing the man he fell in love with. 

So for Remus to just… brush aside something that was bothering him to the point of a panic attack… it was very concerning.

"Its not stupid. If it bothers you, then it's completely and utterly valid."

"Jesus, you sound like Patton." Remus snorted without humor, then quickly let the smile fall off his face. "Well.. you know how you've been hanging out with the others a lot more recently?" 

Janus quirked an eyebrow, "Yes, why?"

"Well, I kind of got it into my head that you were going to… abandon me or some shit. I don't know, it's dumb, but I saw you having such a good time with Logan and I realized that I can never make you smile like that, I can't play chess with you or bake cookies with you or read scripts with you or any of that shit cause I'm just  _ fucking useless-" _

Remus's spiraling was cut off by a body slamming into his.

It took him a second to figure out what happened, and when he did his heart nearly leapt out of his chest and splattered onto the floor. 

Because Janus was  _ hugging him. _

Janus wasn't a very physical person, so any hug from him felt like a rare treasure. Remus's skin burned where Janus's skin touched his. Janus's hand was in Remus's hair, carding through it while Remus's face was pressed up against Janus's chest, and for a wild second Remus thought he might start crying. 

"Remus Sanders, you listen to me and you listen good." Janus said firmly; Remus felt his chest vibrate when he started talking. "First off, who says you can't make me smile? You always make me smile, you're just never looking in my way when it happens. Second, I would  _ never  _ abandon you for the light sides. Yes, they're nice I suppose, but they're not  _ you. _ They don't know exactly how I like my coffee. They don't surprise me with disturbing yet endearing paintings throughout the day. They don't have the amount of passion that you have for the more macabre. They aren't you, Remus, and I wouldn't trade you for the world."

Remus realized with a start that he was crying. First, It was just a few tears, and then it was full on sobbing. He hasn't cried this hard in years- not in front of someone else anyways - and having Janus hold him was… really nice. 

He had the wild urge, in the middle of his sobbing, to kiss him. 

After about ten minutes of Remus letting out all the pain with Janus mumbling reassurances periodically, _he's_ _not going to leave me I won't be alone thank God thank Thomas I love him I love him so much,_ Remus's tears eventually dried. Janus held Remus for a little bit longer, then hummed and pat his back. 

"That crying must have left you exhausted. Why don't I make some toast, and you go wait in my room? I don't feel comfortable with you being alone tonight." 

Remus silently agreed, being alone would not be good for him right now, so he got up- my fucking knees oh my god- and Janus got up with him. 

Remus huffed, embarrassed at what he just did. But before he could open his mouth to apologize, Janus beat him to the punch. 

"Oh yes, you  _ definitely  _ need to apologize for having human emotions and valid concerns. Don't you dare, Remus." Janus gave him a Look, and Remus got the sudden urge to kiss him once again. 

"Okay, okay, I won't." Remus smiled cheekily - Janus was relieved to discover it was a genuine smile - and moved to skip his way to Janus's room. But a small part of his mind whispered  _ he's not going to follow you you're going to be abandoned  _ and he hesitated. 

Janus noticed, and his heart ached. "I'm coming too, Remus. I promise." He doesn't promise often, so he means it. "You're not going to be alone." 

Remus let out a quiet sigh of relief, and continued on his path to his long time crushes room.

And he realized with a start that he hasn't had a single intrusive thought since Janus intervened. 

_ Huh. _

His cheeks felt warm. 

He loved Janus so much, that's clear to see.  _ Ew, I sound like Roman _ . He didn't think he could feel this way about anyone, but Janus is a special case he supposed. 

And a few minutes later, when Janus made good on his promise and came back with a few pieces of toast slathered with crofters, 

Remus couldn't imagine anywhere else he'd rather be. 

**Author's Note:**

> tell me if i forgot to tag anything pls


End file.
